Early in our marriage, I discovered that I had surprisingly strong feelings about my husband’s lunch.
I was packing mine. Austin was buying his almost every day. And as someone who has always been frugal, I was having a hard time with that arrangement.
We had combined our finances, which meant I now had visibility into spending habits that were different from my own. To him, buying lunch was a normal part of the day. To me, it was money we could have saved.
Apparently, my packed lunch came with a side of resentment.
Eventually, we agreed on a monthly amount each of us could spend without judgment. If Austin wanted to spend his on lunch, he could. I had the same freedom to use mine however I wanted. I think it was about $100 a month, which tells you something about how long ago this was.
The agreement gave us room to make different choices while still working toward shared goals. We found an arrangement we could both live with.
I shared this story with Susan on Her Wealth: Unscripted because, yes, financial advisors have these conversations at home, too. Knowing the numbers doesn’t make you immune to having feelings about them.
If you’re wondering how to talk about money with your partner, start with one specific concern and enough time to hear each other out. These five approaches can help you work through everyday spending and bigger decisions together.
1. Get curious about different spending habits
When your partner spends money differently than you do, it’s easy to assume your approach is the sensible one. I certainly thought packing lunch was sensible.
But Austin and I came into our marriage with different experiences around money. Combining our finances didn’t erase those differences. It gave us more opportunities to notice them.
One person may feel secure when they’re saving. The other may place more value on enjoying something today. Before trying to change the spending, ask what each of you is responding to.
Try these questions:
What does this expense give you?
What worries me about it?
What would feel fair to both of us?
For us, a personal spending amount helped. Yours should reflect your own budget and shared commitments. Agree on what it covers and when you’ll revisit it, so neither person has to guess at the rules.
2. Schedule a money conversation when you can listen
For a while, Austin and I tried to have these conversations after the kids went to bed.
It sounds reasonable. The house is finally quiet. Nobody needs a snack. You can finish a sentence.
Unfortunately, you may also have very little patience left for that sentence.
Late-night conversations weren’t bringing out our best selves, so we started having lunch dates during the week. The timing worked better for us. Bonus: our kids were in school or daycare, so we didn’t have to spend more on a babysitter.
You might prefer a weekend morning or a walk when neither of you is rushing somewhere. Pick a time when you can actually listen, and agree on the topic beforehand. “Could we talk about our spending over lunch on Friday?” gives your partner a chance to arrive prepared.
3. Choose one financial decision at a time
“We need to talk about our finances” can sound like an invitation to spend the entire evening confronting every unresolved decision in your life. No wonder it’s tempting to put it off.
Give the conversation a smaller job. Choose one topic: everyday spending, retirement plans, aging parents, or who handles which financial responsibilities.
Then turn that topic into a question. Instead of trying to solve retirement in one sitting, you might ask, “What would we each want our days to look like when we stop working?”
If other concerns come up, write them down for another time. Before you finish, agree on any next step and who will handle it. That might be gathering information or simply scheduling the next conversation. You don’t have to settle your entire financial life at once.
4. Discuss aging parents before there is a crisis
You may assume that if a parent needs care, you’ll hire help. Your partner may assume that parent will move into your home.
Both of you may have been carrying those expectations for years without realizing there was anything to discuss. That is a lot to discover when someone already needs help.
I like to separate this into two conversations: what the care would look like and how it would be paid for.
Start with questions like:
Who would provide the care, and what could each of us realistically take on?
Would we consider help at home, a care facility, or living together?
What could our parents afford, and where might there be gaps?
When should parents and siblings join the conversation?
Your first discussion can help you identify assumptions to explore with your family. Include your parents’ preferences before treating any arrangement as decided. You may leave with more questions, but you’ll have a clearer idea of what needs attention.
5. Make sure both partners understand the finances
I manage most of the finances in our household. So when Austin and I were discussing buying land, I was surprised by how nervous he felt.
I understood the financial picture. I spent time with it. I knew the details behind why I felt comfortable. He hadn’t seen everything I had.
That was a useful reminder for me: familiarity can make you forget how much context another person is missing.
Dividing responsibilities makes sense. Both partners still need enough information to understand their situation and participate in decisions. That includes knowing where investments are held, how they fit into your plans, and what a significant purchase would mean for the rest of your finances.
If you handle the money, walk through how you reached your conclusion and invite questions before asking for a decision. If you’re missing context, try asking, “Can you show me what makes you feel comfortable with this?”
Start with the conversation you have been putting off.
Our lunch agreement gave us a way to handle a difference that had been bothering me. And after 11 years of marriage, I think Austin has become more of the frugal saver.
For your next conversation, choose something specific and find a time when you can both listen. Be willing to explain what matters to you and hear why your partner might see it differently.
You don’t need perfect words. You can start with, “This has been on my mind, and I’d like us to talk about it.”
Susan and I share more of our experiences in “The Money Conversations Every Couple Avoids—and Why You Need Them” on Her Wealth: Unscripted.
At Sorelle Wealth Partners, we combine financial planning and investment management with coaching and behavioral finance, making room for the personal priorities behind the numbers. If you’d like help connecting your shared goals to a financial plan, learn more about our approach.